Though the deck is stacked against you
Win or lose, you´ve to play
The hand a life has dealt you
And It is a gamble either way
Andrew and I went to our consultation appointment yesterday. It didn't go very well at all. I guess we both went in with a lot of preconceived thoughts and ideas. Boy, were we ever wrong! A few weeks back, the nurse from Dr. K's office called me and told me that my blood work was back. She said I needed a Rubella vaccine, and that the blood work turned out well. There was no cause for concern, and that we need to schedule another visit. So, I was like, cool! That brings us too yesterday. Come to find out, my blood work was not as good as they alluded to. I had two important fertility hormones come back mediocre. One was a protein, and I cannot remember the name of it, and the other was my FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone http://www.advancedfertility.com/day3fsh.htm and http://www.highfshinfo.com/ ). My FSH is 9.3. Not good. Not bad, but not good. It's not ultra high like 25. Then we would be screwed! But basically FSH is your time meter. A high FSH means your time is running out and that you potentially have potentially egg issues. Here are our options:
1. Go to injectables. ONE round is around $6,000.
2. Go straight to IVF. ONE round is around $11,000.
3. Adopt.
4. Do nothing.
With #1 and #2, there are no guarantees. We could go into debt with #2, and pay on it for years, and have NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING.
With #2, we could have multiples (twins or triplets) and be $7,000 in debt and have to pay for two or three babies' daycare costs, etc. That would NOT be fun.
With #3, who doesn't want a baby of their own? I am all for adoption, but the process is brutal and slow.
With #4, when I am 50, will I look back with regret? Every person, EVERY person, I have met with children say that the BEST thing that has ever happened to them are their kids. To me that is priceless (but then my logical side says that going into to debt for IVF is a gamble and would be heartbreaking to pay for something for years with no result).
So…do you see our dilemma?! We have gone back and forth, back and forth. Let me answer some of your questions (because I know you have them!).
-Why the weird song in the title?!! When I came out of the doctor's office, my head spinning, that song came into my head and I can't get rid of it! Then, I came home and looked up the lyrics and thought, how ironic!
-There are no guarantees on any of this. NONE.
-There are no real statistics on IVF or injectables. It really is a case-by-case thing.
- We have $5,000 starting Jan.1 in our FLEX spending account. Anything over that comes out of our pocket (savings) or we get a loan (as the doctor's office told us to do).
-There is no way to decrease your FSH. It is what it is.
-We have talked about getting another opinion, but come on; there are only so many options. You either have injectables or IVF.
-My insurance pays for the preliminary testing, but NONE of the treatment options.
-Yes, I have thought about having a personal fundraiser, but Andrew said that is tacky!
-The doctor did not say anything about whether I could conceive naturally or not. It makes since that with a high FSH, or above normal (the doctor likes it at 2), that my eggs are not great. Bad eggs can result in miscarriages, which is what you want!
All of this is a gamble. Andrew said last night before we went to bed that this situation is miserable, and I agree. You see people all over the place with kids who don't take care of them (or kill them like Baby Grace) and it is hard. All we want is ONE, healthy kid. Just one will do!
Ok, I am done and VERY open to your suggestions and comments. Bring them on! I need to hear some other voices, besides the ones in my head. HA!
Full lyrics to the song
Being born was the worse & the 1st mistake I ever made
The doctor didn´t spank me, he just slapped me in the face
And the cup of love was always quenching someone else´s thirst
Leaving me to swallow the bitter taste of hurt ´
Cause I was raised an orphan
Never wanted as a kid till the year I turned 13
Then everybody did, strangers pass me back & forth
Men just took me as they pleased
And others had a Cinderella slave to cook & clean & weep
Though the deck is stacked against you
Win or lose, you´ve to play
The hand a life has dealt you
And It is a gamble either way
On a dust road at 15 in a yellow cotton dress
With the desert sun like an angry dragon breathing down my neck
And the dry cracked plains would make me think of a prehistoric time
Or should I fear what lay before me less than what I would left behind
A 15 year old girl don´t have no trouble hitching rides
But sometimes when you are riding free
You will pay the highest price
On back roads & in back seats
And in a cheap highway motel
But what´s a few more strangers in a life of nothing else
16 caught me crying, underneath the scarlet light
On the door steps of a stranger on a cold & rainy night
When I walked into the parlour here
Other pieces seemed to fit I was good at pleasing strangers
So I made the most of it
Either way it is all a gamble
So view the stakes & know the odds
And lay your cards upon the table
Do all the dealing from the top
I told Andrew that we needed to spend more quality time together. So, yesterday when he went to go get his fro cut, he also stopped by RadioShack and bought us three remote controlled cars.
He thought we could play with them together, hence qualifying for quality time. I have to give it to him, it was an ingenious plan :)
The fun lasted, oh all of about 15 minutes for me. The fun lasted, oh all of about THREE hours for Andrew (and the cats)!
He should have known it wasn't going to go well when I wanted to play with the Hummer and gave him the Britney Spears Mercedes! HA!
WOW! I guess I need to blog about what has been going on in the Obennnnhhhoouuuuseee.
Let's see:
*Went to TWO infertility doctor consoles. I liked one doc, and Andrew liked to other one :) Go figure. We decided on Dr. Kristiansen, http://www.drkristiansen.com/, (the one Andrew likes) because her office is literally across the street from his office, and he promised to come to my visits. This might be really important seeing as how I passed out while getting blood drawn the last time we were there!
*The blood work from our first visit to Dr. K came back. Apparently, there is nothing weird going on that can be determined by my blood work. They said everything looked great. I have to go get a Rubella vaccine, and then Andrew and I have to go back for another console to determine our next step. Dr. K mentioned shots and insemination.
*On my work front, I have started working from home three days a week! YEAH! I am at home Monday, Tuesday, and Fridays, UNLESS something weird happens and I have to go into the office. I have to admit, being at home has been really nice!
*Andrew's job is going very well. He has been super busy, but I think that is a good thing! The people at his work love him, as I do :) He has some interesting work stories, ask him about them next time you see him!
I think that is most of everything I need to catch you guys up on! We are gearing up for the holidays. I am taking the week of Christmas off, but we are not sure about Andrew's schedule. My grandmother is coming into town, as is my brother! YEAH! I am excited to see them.
I found six old rolls of film last weekend, and went to go have them developed. Was I ever surprised! For one thing, one of the rolls was Andrew's and it was from 1998! He was so young and handsome :) heehee! Here are some of the pixs we found. I am so happy, I found those rolls of film.
"U sooooo quiet this morning!!! How u feeling??? LUH U!!!!!!!"
"I feel like my head exploded and I am trying to pick up the pieces. I really think this headache has done some permanent damage. It is still lingering, but I am trying to stay very still in hopes of getting rid of it. No sudden movement. No sudden sounds. No sudden feelings. How are you doing?"
