I have to apologize for my lack of blogging lately! I am training a new writer in my group and to be honest she is taking all of my energy. Literally. More to come about that situation later :)
Yesterday I heard about two acquaintances of mine that are pregnant. While I am extremely happy for them, this happiness that I feel causes me to have some sadness.
I remember back in September, when I first found out I was pregnant, I was so happy and filled with this unexplainable joy. Pure joy.
I wish this pure joy on these ladies. I wish them 10 fold what I had!
However, I would never wish on them what I experienced next. That is the part that makes me sad. When I remember the happiness, the pure joy, I also remember the sadness, the pure anguish.
We went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows when we lost our baby. I think the saying is right, "The first cut is the deepest." I don't think I will ever forget September 14, 2005. I believe it was the toughest day of my life.
I was able to work through my emotions and get past my sadness. I want to work through my emotions when this feeling hits me, and think about the future. The future is bright, really bright, I just need to take off my shades to see the light :)
Thanks for reading.
And the potential for that type of devastation doesn’t end when you give birth. I have an acquaintance whose son is probably going to prison for drugs and theft. Hearing her talk about her emotions about the experience mirror some of the things I’ve heard you say.
I don’t prescribe to his particular brand of mysticism; however, Carlos Castaneda (or Don Juan) says that when you conceive there is a hole made in your energy field around the area of the chakra that’s at your belly button (for both the man and woman). That energy from the man and the energy from the woman combine to create the soul of the baby. This is greatly simplifying a complex idea, but once you conceive a child you give up a part of yourself for that child. You are never the same.
Other people may believe differently, but I believe that some time, some where, you will meet the souls, the balls of energy that you and Andrew created. While you might not have the joy and heartache of guiding those souls through their earthly journey, I hope you will find peace and joy in the knowledge/belief that you DID create something beautiful that DOES exist somewhere. However, no matter how brief you were pregnant, you have the right to grieve that you lost the babies.
I will probably get blasted for my sentimentality, but _Steel Magnolias_ is one of my all time favorite movies. That movie speaks volumes to a woman raised in the South by a single mother in a family of very strong women. One of my favorite quotes from the movie is “I would rather have 15 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.”
Revel in the fact that you have created life. Let that knowledge bring you joy. Let that joy sustain you through your pain. And know that it is worth every second of the heartache to try again.
Anonymous said...
1:02 PM
Your words are very inspiring, Melissa. I am not Amy, but if I were, your comment would have made my day... maybe even my month.
Carsten said...
1:18 PM