Hong Kong Phooey

It is extremely hard for me to see all the good in my life when I don't get what I want, when I want it.

These past weeks have been HELL. All the testing, and the waiting, to finally find out that all the fertility drugs did not help us create a baby, but instead helped my body created an intracavity uterine fibroid. All I can say is UGH, UGH, and more UGH.

Yesterday was rough for me. Very rough. I cried and cried and cried. I screamed, I kicked, I yelled. Then I cried some more. The words, "I just don't understand. I just don't get it. Why us?" were repeated to the point that they made little sense.

Then all of the sudden, as if the cloud had been lifted, I actually felt relieved. Relieved that this fibroid was giving me the break I desperately needed. Relieved, that for at least a few weeks, I won't have to think about a "baby."

The option of us having a baby is not possible while the fibroid is alive. It literally takes up all the room in my uterus. This thing is probaby why I am not pregnant right now. The egg had no where to implant itself because the fibroid was in the way. I shall name this fibroid Sidney, and it can go the same place Sybill went to, cyst and fibroid heaven. I digress :)

This morning I got up and I was happy. I even sang along to a song on the radio! I am relieved that I can go furniture shopping this weekend and not worry about spending the money. I am relieved that I can go and buy that $50 purse I have been looking at and not feel guilty that I should be saving for the baby. I am relieved that we can once again be the selfish adults we LOVE to be and only think about ourselves and help the economy by spending lots of money on over marketed things.

Isn't it odd how the heart and brain work? One minute I am sad, the next minute I am relieved and happy again. I am sure I there will be more rough patches, but for now, I feel happy and I am soo okay with that!

Today I am going to call my GYN and make an appointment for the surgery to have the fibroid removed. My research on the internet tells me that it might be weeks before I can get the procedure done. I think they like to try hormone therapy first to shrink it, and then they go in and take it out.

I have NO idea what this means for our fertility future. All of those wonderful fertility drugs may not be an option for us anymore, because they make the fibroids grow like weeds. And even after surgery, these fibroids can come back with a vengeance.

Andrew and I talked about adoption last night and we are starting a separate savings account for that. If we save at least $150 a month for the next five years, we will have the $10K we need to start the process. If something happens along the way, then we will just be that more prepared.

I keep reminding myself that no one said this life was going to be easy. Lord don't I know that! But somewhere along the way, through all of this, I have to keep searching for all the good in my life. We have a roof over our heads, food on our table, and for the most part we have our health. We also have lots of support and love from our friends and family. What more could we ask for when you put it that way?!